Learning to be in the now

Throughout my life I have always struggled with wanting to be ten steps ahead. When I was a teenager, I couldn't wait to grow up and be an adult. So much so, that I left high school a few months before the end of my Junior year of high school, got a full time job, and move out on my own at 17 years old. I was young and should have been trying to be a kid, instead of trying to be an adult. I missed a lot of fun things because I was too busy growing up and thinking about the future. I always had a plan of how my life would turn out. Of course, life kept changing and it NEVER turned out the way I wanted it to. During my twenties, I've learned to accept that plans will change and I have learned to adapt to the changes. However, I still tend to plan ahead and sometimes get wrapped up in what may or may not happen in the future.

The other struggle I have is looking behind me. While I think seeing how far you have come is a good thing, dwelling on the past can be dangerous. In the scriptures there's the story of Lot's wife. They were told by the Lord to not look back, but she did and "she became a pillar of salt." (Gen. 19:26) I don't think I'll become a "pillar of salt" by reflecting on my past, but it can be harmful. I don't have the most pleasant of pasts. Since Spencer left on his mission, I've been working on facing my past and letting it go. Tonight I met with a church leader and had to talk about my marriage. As painful as that was, I had to do it so that I could start going forward to build my future with Spencer. But I did not dwell on it after the fact. I didn't beat myself up for what I did in my past and the mistakes I made along the road. I simply faced the past and then turned around and was happy to see where I am NOW. This evening I read a quote on Facebook that said, "My opinion is that God cares more about the future of your life, than he does about your past. He wants to forgive you and for you to forgive yourself." While overcoming a hard point in my life, I learned that part of repentance process is being able to forgive yourself and letting go. I know how hard that is and I'm still working on it. I'm learning to love myself as my Heavenly Father loves me!

So, why do I bring up all of this right now? Well, this week I've been thinking about where my life is at right now. I got injured at work in January. Since mid February, I haven't been able to work and have spent a lot of time in bed. My life hasn't been the most exciting. So, I started thinking a lot about the past and the future, but spent little time focusing on the now. I got very excited that Spencer and I will hopefully be getting married in a year and I started planning. Sadly, how I feel comes across strongly in my letters. If I'm depressed about the past and stuff, my letters aren't as upbeat. If my excited about wedding plans, then I want to write about it. However, near of those are things that Spencer needs right now and honestly, neither do I. I made a decision to stop spending so much time in the past and in the future! I decided to live my life right now! I can choose to be happy right now!


I know that Heavenly Father loves each of us individually and wants us to be happy! I'm thankful that Spencer has the opportunity to share that message with people every day! It's a great feeling to know that you are completely and unconditionally loved by your Father in Heaven who will ALWAYS be there for you no matter what! So, stop dwelling on the past and planning out the future. Stop and enjoy where you are now! My life isn't perfect, but it's my fairytale and I love it!

Here's a few photos of my handsome missionary! :)

Spencer about to burn a shirt to celebrate his one year mark!

Spencer (far left) and some other elders doing some service together. He loves doing service which is one of the things I love about him!

I love that smile!

Spencer with his district (I think?). Oh, by the way, he's a District Leader now!

Packages!

Missionaries LOVE letters and packages! Spencer has said many times that  spoil him and he loves it! I thought I'd share some of the packages I've sent him!

Easter Care Package with cookies and fresh baked bread!

Two ties I sent with paper, envelopes, stamps, and a photobook for his birthday!

6 month care package!!!

CHRISTMAS PACKAGE:

Christmas PJ Pants I sewed!

A "Christmas Kiss"

Mug for hot chocolate with scriptures
written on sides. :)

A fireplace I drew and then cut into
a puzzle.

Back of fireplace puzzle.

The puzzle done and
ready to send!

Name tag I made for his stocking.

Spencer's missionary stocking!

Almost everything that I put in his Christmas package (plus homemade cookies)!!!
This was also a "Happy Anniversary" package too!

In January, I sent a "sunshine package" to help encourage him!

VALENTINE'S DAY PACKAGE:

Exploding box with reasons
why he has my "heart"!

My "Heart"

Top of box!

Box with Heart

Package all together.

Soon I'll be sending his 1 YEAR package! Then Easter and then his birthday! WOW! Time is flying by!

Where I am now...

I haven't posted on this blog in a LONG time, but it isn't because I stopped waiting or anything. It's because life has been busy. So, here's an update ...

September: Spencer hit his 6 months on the mission and I decided to move home to Oregon to be closer to his family and go to school.

October: I moved home and started looking for work and a place to live. His mom found out that we are engaged and didn't like it. :( Spencer started writing me again and even sent pictures! :)

November: I got two jobs! I decided to keep one of them and go to school. I struggled with his family some. Sometimes it seemed like I was a part of it and sometimes it felt like I was a stranger that they didn't want around.

December: I sent Spencer a HUGE Christmas package! He loved it! I became closer to his family and started feeling like I was part of the family. I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas day with his family! I even got to skype and talk on the phone with him!!! It was exactly what I wanted for Christmas!!!

January: I started school fulltime and working 40+ hrs a week. I turned 29 yrs old!!! I celebrated with his family! Spencer sent me a funny birthday card and made me smile! I sent Spencer a "Sunshine Package" and he LOVED it! :) One of Spencer's investigators is waiting for a missionary that's serving in the mission I live in. She found me on Facebook and we've become friends!

February: I got my own apartment! (Kinda scary to think that it's mostly "our" future apartment together.) I got accepted to OSU!!! (Oregon State University) I sent an AWESOME Valentine's Day package and planned a "heart attack" switch with my friend (Spencer's investigator) in Pennsylvania. We "heart attacked" each others missionaries. :) It was so much fun! The day after V-day, I got a card with a letter and 2 memory cards with pictures and videos!!!

This past Saturday, I had something very scary happen. I woke-up from a nap and couldn't move my leg or even wiggle my toes. I texted Spencer's mom and his parents came and helped me. They called the paramedics and stayed with me at the hospital through it all! That day was the first time his mom referred to me as her future-daughter-in-law. She was there for me when my own mother wasn't able to be. His family has become family to me and I love them SO MUCH!

Now, I'm waiting for find out if I'll need back surgery. But NO MATTER WHAT my life is still a fairytale because Heavenly Father gave me Spencer! :)