Making my Life into a Fairytale: Learning to be in the now

Throughout my life I have always struggled with wanting to be ten steps ahead. When I was a teenager, I couldn't wait to grow up and be an adult. So much so, that I left high school a few months before the end of my Junior year of high school, got a full time job, and move out on my own at 17 years old. I was young and should have been trying to be a kid, instead of trying to be an adult. I missed a lot of fun things because I was too busy growing up and thinking about the future. I always had a plan of how my life would turn out. Of course, life kept changing and it NEVER turned out the way I wanted it to. During my twenties, I've learned to accept that plans will change and I have learned to adapt to the changes. However, I still tend to plan ahead and sometimes get wrapped up in what may or may not happen in the future.

The other struggle I have is looking behind me. While I think seeing how far you have come is a good thing, dwelling on the past can be dangerous. In the scriptures there's the story of Lot's wife. They were told by the Lord to not look back, but she did and "she became a pillar of salt." (Gen. 19:26) I don't think I'll become a "pillar of salt" by reflecting on my past, but it can be harmful. I don't have the most pleasant of pasts. Since Spencer left on his mission, I've been working on facing my past and letting it go. Tonight I met with a church leader and had to talk about my marriage. As painful as that was, I had to do it so that I could start going forward to build my future with Spencer. But I did not dwell on it after the fact. I didn't beat myself up for what I did in my past and the mistakes I made along the road. I simply faced the past and then turned around and was happy to see where I am NOW. This evening I read a quote on Facebook that said, "My opinion is that God cares more about the future of your life, than he does about your past. He wants to forgive you and for you to forgive yourself." While overcoming a hard point in my life, I learned that part of repentance process is being able to forgive yourself and letting go. I know how hard that is and I'm still working on it. I'm learning to love myself as my Heavenly Father loves me!

So, why do I bring up all of this right now? Well, this week I've been thinking about where my life is at right now. I got injured at work in January. Since mid February, I haven't been able to work and have spent a lot of time in bed. My life hasn't been the most exciting. So, I started thinking a lot about the past and the future, but spent little time focusing on the now. I got very excited that Spencer and I will hopefully be getting married in a year and I started planning. Sadly, how I feel comes across strongly in my letters. If I'm depressed about the past and stuff, my letters aren't as upbeat. If my excited about wedding plans, then I want to write about it. However, near of those are things that Spencer needs right now and honestly, neither do I. I made a decision to stop spending so much time in the past and in the future! I decided to live my life right now! I can choose to be happy right now!

I know that Heavenly Father loves each of us individually and wants us to be happy! I'm thankful that Spencer has the opportunity to share that message with people every day! It's a great feeling to know that you are completely and unconditionally loved by your Father in Heaven who will ALWAYS be there for you no matter what! So, stop dwelling on the past and planning out the future. Stop and enjoy where you are now! My life isn't perfect, but it's my fairytale and I love it!

Here's a few photos of my handsome missionary! :)